I'm back!

I have been away from the bloggersphere for a month! I am dreadfully ashamed... 

I will give you a brief breakdown of what has happened:

• Uni
• Stress
• Sleep
• Eat
• Uni
• Stress
• Eat
• Sleep
• Skin breakout
• Stress
• Stress
• Cry
• Uni
• Uni goes on strike
• Eat
• Sleep
• Read

And now I'm back! The varsity has given us a break - because a few students have gone bats#it crazy and next week is mid-term break, so I have time to recharge and get into the blogging again before exams!

Life plan- what is that even?

It's terrible. I haven't blogged in nearly a month! I can't believe that it has been so long.

Life in general has been going great. I've been up to my eyeballs in uni work (specifically clinic), family commitments and then when I do have time to blog, I can't think of anything interesting to write about.

I pressurize myself by wanting my blog posts to be inspiring or just generally "good". The fact is that this blog should be about ME. I shouldn't be writing this blog to please everyone else, I started this blog for me- so that's what it should be about! It's my "creative" and thought outlet. So here it goes! 

I spent most of my time today thinking about my future. It seems that those around me have their life "plan" set out. They want to finish their degree, explore, get married, have 'that many' children and live happily ever after. 

And then there is me. I want to finish my degree, and blank. It's so strange for me. I have the tendency to plan to the nth degree, but I don't know what I want to achieve in life. Career-wise I'm pretty set out, I know that I want to do my Community Service year either on the South Coast or in Maritzburg and then I want to work for the government, either at a special needs school or in a clinic. 

I don't even know if I want children. I know that I'd like to adopt if I do end up wanting children. 

I feel like I'm having a "post-teen" crisis! I'm trying not to stress about it, I know logically that what is meant to be, will happen. But today I got a bit bogged down by it.

New semester!

Second semester of second year began with a bang! I have my first speech clinic this semester. I'm so excited, but it can get overwhelming and stressful.

I had my first clinic session yesterday. I can already see how rewarding it is going to be! My three clients are absolutely adorable and my co-clinicians are reliable and as motivated as I am! I have to admit though, having three one hour sessions is unbelievably draining (I'm still feeling the effects today!!!)

As clinic ended I was walking down the corridor and was greeted by this beautiful sunset:

It was such a calming moment for me, the whole of Wednesday and yesterday I was doubting my abilities and just generally over-thinking, stressing and freaking out. But in the end, I had what it took, meeting clients and the running of the first session went really well. All I need to do is take one step at a time and keep looking forward :) 

Thanks Family!

So as you all have probably realised, I love and adore my family. But sometimes, I really just want to gently nudge them off a cliff. A specific incident where I wanted to do some gentle nudging strongly comes to mind! 

Yesterday, most of the family helped my great aunt move into a new flat - that did cause a few homicidal thoughts to spring to life, but mostly it just gave me inspiration to complete my degree as I washed kitchenware for 5 hours straight (NEVER AGAIN WILL I EVER WASH KITCHENWARE FOR FIVE HOURS!!!). After 5 hours of  torture "family bonding", Pops decided to take us for lunch at the local pub. I was delighted. Shame, how innocent I once was!

So we arrived at the local, one happy little family! A cute waiter cheerfully seats us at our table and brings us our menus and drinks. This is where I made the fatal mistake of mentioning to the table that the waiter was a sweet and handsome fella. Idiot and clearly an amateur mistake. I blame drinking on an empty stomach. When the poor unsuspecting chap arrives at our table again, my grandpa's loony girlfriend asks if he's single- he replies no -hearts all around the table break-. THEN she shows her dismay and proceeds to tell him that she wanted him to give ME his number if he was eligible. Thanks Astrid! 

http://giphy.com/gifs/awkward-icarly-nickelodeon-GA89JfpXiTrwc

My mom  (To think that I once trusted you Mother!!)  just took the situation from embarrassing to excruciating! She tells him WHY they wanted to hitch me up! She told him how I had just experienced a devastating heartbreak and that my ex was moving out of the flat on our property that day.

http://giphy.com/gifs/awkward-chloe-moretz-kWHR3f23hTzz2

I wanted to dig a hole and hide. Shame, the guy took it really well. I think he saw how ambushed and beet red I was.

Thanks my FamDam! Expect coal for Christmas! And watch your backs...

21 Questions

I was nominated by my mom (Gill's jottings) to do the 21 Question Challenge. I filled in most the questions on Friday but never had time to finish as I went to the Ballito Pro Free Concert! 

1. What is your current fashion obsession? I love the sneakers (specifically Vans!) and since it's winter, the knitwear tops are a fav with me!

2. What are you wearing today? Jeans and a long sleeve grey T-shirt with purple Tomys and a floral scarf.

3. Hair?  I have a pixie cut. I recently had more blonde highlights put in and my roots are now dyed copper.

4. Do you nap a lot? Nope, I don’t really like sleeping during the day. I get FOMO. But every now and again if I'm really tired or sick I will.

5. Why is today special? I am going to the Tropika Ballito Pro Concert tonight!

6. What would you like to learn to do? I have always wanted to learn a musical instrument, but I don't have the time or patience

7. What’s for dinner today? I don't know! Will see what's at the concert. 

8. What are you listening to right now? Jeremy Loops (ALWAYS), Hozier, Majozi and Echosmith all feature on my playlist. Right now I have no music on unfortunately, but if I did that's what would be playing.

9. What is your favourite weather? Autumn in KZN. It's so pretty and not too cold and not too hot. 

10. What’s the last thing you bought? A pair of shorts and a top from Cinnamon Clothing! 

11. What are your essentials when traveling? Cell phone, water-less hand sanitiser and my iPad.

12. What’s your style? Casual mostly. I like the floral and "flowy" vibes.

13. What is your most challenging goal right now? Finishing my degree with the best marks possible! 

14. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?  I'd have to say either Venice or Dublin.

15. Favourite vacation spot? The Drakensberg and I love anywhere in Europe.

16. Name the things you cannot live without? My family, my pets, my friends and my glasses.

17. How was your childhood? Fun, lots of time spent outside playing with my brother and sister. I was quite sickly but it never really affected me. 

18. What would you like to have in your hands right now? Chocolate.

19. What are you most excited for? My trip to Aus in December and Speech clinic this upcoming semester.

20. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? Corfu in Greece.

21. Which countries have you visited? I have been very blessed in that my grandfather has taken my family on many overseas holidays. I’ve visited: Egypt, UAE, England, Ireland, France, Monaco, Malta, the Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, the Vatican City, Spain, Greece, Turkey,Czech Republic and Croatia. 

I nominate Shaelyn from Just Shae to do the 21 Question Challenge.

Anyone who is interested in doing the 21Questions, feel free to copy and paste it. Be sure to leave your blog address so that I can come and see your answers!

Drakensberg Trip part 2

On Sunday, we decided to do a Geocache at the Mermaid Pools.It was such an interesting and remarkable place. It made one think about how powerful and breathtaking nature can be.  If it had been warmer I would've swum in the pools!

Mlambonja River

Mermaid Pools

View of the river and Rhino Peak (Top Right of the picture)

At the Mermaid Pools layers of fossilised trees in amongst the sandstone have been exposed due to the Mlambonja River carving into the layers of rock. The fossilised trees stick out due to their charcoal colour in contrast to the whiteish sandstone.

Fossilised trees (circled)
Source: http://www.geocaching.com/geocache/GC39MER_fossils-at-mermaids?guid=4863d38b-d833-4f01-97c4-304c451ae358

On Monday we spent the day in Himeville. We stopped at Kenmo Lake, which is on a piece of land that a family has opened to the public. We found a Geocache there and took plenty of photos of the picturesque scenery. I could only imagine how stunning it would've been a few weeks earlier when the trees flourished in the autumn colours. 

The rest of the week we mostly spent time relaxing, playing board games, and of course roasting marshmallows next to the fireplace! That is what I love most about vacationing in the Drakensberg- there is no pressure to rush or bustle about. The peaceful, quiet and tranquil atmosphere allows for complete relaxation (absolute bliss!).

Mommy and I

I love the Berg, it is my "happy place". I can't wait to go back!

Drakensberg trip 2015

Just before 1st semester exams ended, my parents and I went for a trip up to the Drakensberg. The Drakensberg is about a 3 hour drive away from where I live. We went up on the Saturday and came back home on the Thursday.

On the trip up, we stopped and did a Geocache at Afriston Train Station (for those of you who do not know what Geocaching is, please read about it here.).

Railway line at Alfriston 

Alfriston Station

We had planned to have lunch when we reached our timeshare, however our stomachs started growling so we unanimously decided to stop at Underberg for lunch! We had a lovely lunch at Lemon Tree Bistro. The Bistro had such a quaint and relaxing atmosphere- though, the delish sangria may have caused that! I had the Harissa pasta, it was splendid.

Lemon Tree Bistro

Inside the Lemon Tree Bistro

Pasta Harissa

Pasta Gamberi

We stayed at Riverbend (which are self-catering chalets) within the Drakensberg Gardens Resort. It was so nice just to relax (even though I did study two of the days that we were there) and spend time with my parents. It's weird, many people my age would find it boring and weird to go on holiday alone with their parents, I however thoroughly enjoyed it! My parents and I get on so well, I am very grateful for that! They are a huge support in my life.

View from Riverbend Chalets

Drakensberg Moutains with sprinkles snow

I will post a few other bits and pieces from out little trip tomorrow! Sorry that I have been away for awhile- thankfully exams are over so I will have more time to blog :D

The big 2 - 0

On Thursday 4 June I turned 20. It is rather surreal to believe that I am finally out of my teens. I can't say that I am too upset about that!

I feel like I'm starting on a clean slate, a new chapter! I hope to make my twenties better than any other decade that I have experienced thus far. 

In my twenties I hope to:

• Be content with myself as I am and show a little more self-love.
• Be more grateful for  everything I have.
• Be proud of what I have accomplished.
• Show appreciation to the people I love more often.
• Find a partner who will appreciate me, love me, understand me and motivate me.
• Travel while I have few commitments (The Rockies is a must!).
• Get married if I find someone I want to marry (lol).
• Buy a house/flat.
• Do more volunteer work.
• See more of South Africa (Cape Town especially).

My birthday was rather low-key because I'm writing exams, and I hate throwing parties! So in the morning we went to my sister's house for breakfast, and then we had bunny chows for dinner. We went out for dinner to Lupa Osteria in Hillcrest for my "official birthday dinner".

Birthday dinner at Lupa Osteria

Sipping on Bellinis

Just a note - I am writing exams at the moment, but I will try post as often as I can. 

Moving on .

Moving on after a breakup is harder than I ever thought. I understood it was pretty bad, afterall there are songs about it; emotional pictures all over tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest and the Internet in general; there's even movies about breaking up. But I feel like that didn't prepare for what it is really like, if anything, it's made society desensitized about breakups. It's made people think like it isn't really a life-altering period of life.

You know, just go out and have a piss-up with your friends, cry for a week, get a new haircut, eat chocolate for a day and then exercise for a month and lose 5kgs  and you'll truly be okay! 

Yeah no, that isn't how it works. Well it doesn't work for me because:

1. I don't really drink much.

2. I'm not good at crying (unless you put me in front of the TV with Marley and Me or Hachiko playing- then the waterworks REALLY get going!).

3. If I cut my hair any shorter I will cry.

4. I'm eating chocolate, I'm still not all better.

5. No comment. I haven't been exercising. I guess I can't say that this won't work. Whoops 

Okay, let me be serious now, I understand that I can't be miserable forever- hell I really don't want to be! But I can't tell my heart to stop having feelings; I can't stop my head from remembering times together; and I honestly can't stop feeling upset about some of the sacrifices and effort that I put into what I thought was my future, but now has turned into nothing.

Apart from that, the past month has been the weirdest time of my life. Someone whom I thought was one of the most important people in my life faded into the background. For a while I teased myself into thinking he was now no one to me, but this past weekend that changed- I realized that even though I no longer feel the chemistry and feelings of love, I still worry about him, and if I still worry about him that means I'm not truly over him. My mom said something that I believe is true- I'm in the habit of loving him. I may not truly love him, but there is still a part of me that "pretends" to. 

I know that what I did was right, it wasn't good for either of us to still be together. However, I think that I have been trying to rush myself into being normal and stable after the breakup. I want to be fine, but I can't pretend like breaking up after four years wasn't a big deal in my life, it will affect me. 

Sorry that the post is rather long and depressing, and it also shifts around a bit. I did this for myself, just to get it all out so it's more of a random diary entry than a blogpost. 

Spa Day!

Okay so exams have started! This is me procrastinating studying for my exam next week...

To commiserate  celebrate the beginning of exams (trying to be positive here people), my bestie Chloë and I went to a spa for a full body massage, Indian head massage, foot massage and facial. And no we aren't loaded, my mom bought a Groupon for it!

Hair looking fleek after the oily head massage

It was so much fun! It was one of the few times that I have been to a spa without having eyebrows waxed off... I had only had one massage (back massage) before today. The full body massage was amazing. I nearly dosed off! I felt so relaxed and pampered by the time we left! My skin feels amazing! The facial made my skin feel refreshed and clean. It was a product by the skincare range Nimue. I hadn't actually heard of Nimue before, even though it is a South African product that seems to be internationally well known. I will say this, one day when I have money to burn, I will definitely have another Nimue facial! 

Fat -nearly- Friday

I'm getting to the age that I can no longer rely on my small appetite and fast metabolism.. It's very sad.

I was always one of those b-words that could eat anything I wanted and not have to worry about the effect on my body. I have weighed the same since I was about 16. It always made people sick because I didn't really do anything to maintain a decent shape.

Fear not for those of you that are going green with envy. That time has come to a rather abrupt end. Even my sweet and gentle mother has politely suggested that perhaps a run on the treadmill would not be such a bad thing. But I just can't do it, I hate running. 

I detest it. I would rather watch paint dry. FOR A WHOLE DAY. Running made me feel fat when I wasn't even fat! It makes my cheeks wobble. I literally feel as if my cheeks are growing, extending away from me as I watch them bouncing back and forth in my peripheral vision. Running makes me sweat, I don't like sweating. It makes me sticky and smelly (neither of which are AT ALL appealing). Running causes me to have the inability to sit down, stand up, crouch, walk up or down stairs (or walk anywhere for a matter of fact) for at least 3 days following the dreadful deed. I don't get that supposed endorphin release, the only feeling I get after a run is the need for chocolate (to cheer me up- chocolate DOES get my endorphins going) and the feeling of reassurance that I will never EVER in my life do that again. 

So for now I will lie in bed, with my back fat, growing rear-end and wobbly thighs and together we will plan to try and take a brisk stroll on the treadmill tomorrow. Maybe. Or perhaps we can rather savour some more chocolate together. The latter is more appealing for sure! 

Busy, busy!

I haven't posted in over a week! Life has been beyond busy for me at the moment. I've had tests, assignments, and then family over from overseas!

I am heading towards exams now, but after tomorrow life should settle down somewhat! I will definitely try to post again this week.

"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails." Elizabeth Edwards <3

My goals/bucket list

I was looking online for inspiration. I eventually decided to make a list of my goals/ things I want to do before I pop off. I thought it might be something fun to do, and look back at it later in life to see what I have achieved or how my goals have changed.

1. To be truly happy.

2. To be successful, not necessarily measuring it by my income or level of qualification, but in that I am happy with what I have (if it's a job, family or car), nourished and am stimulated by what I do.

3. To always live near of my parents, sister and niece

4. To be able to provide my parents in their retirement.

5. To visit the Rocky Mountains in Canada.

6. To see the Northern Lights

7. To make a difference in my profession, even just by helping those who really need it. I'd like to one day work in a Special Needs School.

8. To live somewhere where I am not worried about my family's safety.

Treading water

People keep asking how am I coping after the break-up or commenting that I seem to be handling it well. First of all I can't really explain how I am feeling, I have ups and a considerable amount of downs. And second of all, I have a busy life, I can't breakdown, I don't have time for self-pity. I seem to have a coping mechanism, I just ignore the sad feelings and bottle them up.

My coping mechanisms are going to catch up to me. I know it. I experienced it a little last night while I was out for dinner and cocktails with my friends from varsity. At one point someone asked my friend how long she and her boyfriend had been dating. I instantly got tears in my eyes as she answered 4 years. It was such a stupid thing to get teary over, but the problem is that I need to cry to get all that emotion out. But I just can't.

I don't know how to get my emotions and feelings out. When people ask me how I am I don't know how to answer. I mean it's pretty obvious that given the situation, I'm not great. It's pretty crappy for an almost 4 year relationship to be over. It's depressing that I gave my all to the relationship and I now have nothing to show for it. It's sad when you realise that you have been losing yourself in the process of trying to fix what was left of the relationship. I look back and I don't even recognise who I became. I feel like I was used for convenience. I was betrayed and I was made out to feel stupid to expect someone to spend time with me and show me affection. I was made out to be clingy and needy, I still don't actually know if I was. I feel so confused. I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel unworthy of love. 

So yes, I might look like I'm coping but I'm not. I'm treading water, trying to keep my feelings at bay. I go from near drowning to stable. 

April Love - Day 30

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explore myself. Thank you for letting me know that I can embrace myself for who I truly am.

April Love - Day 29

My eyes.

I wish that I could see what is to come.

I wish that I could see better days in the future.

I wish that I could see myself whole again. 

April Love - Day 28

Today's prompt is clouds. I took this picture at varsity the other morning. The clouds were so unusual.

                                 The Rainy Day

THE DAY is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.
Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

                                       by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807–1882)

April Love - Day 27

Today's prompt is "love is". The amazing people (and pets) that I am so blessed to have in my life show me what love is every single day.

Love is...

showing that you care about another person by sending messages and funny pictures even when you're oceans away.

sacrificing your own happiness to make the other person happy.

helping your sister out when she is too pathetic to drive someplace scary (and not just once but frequently!)

giving slobbery kisses.

sharing your soggy chips with everyone around you even though you really want them for yourself.

giving your friend a chocolate and sending millions of voice notes when they're feeling down.

being SOOOOOOO happy to see that person every morning (and showing this by giving them endless amounts of kisses on the face).

April Love - Day 26

Today's prompt is something beginning with an A. So I chose AUSTRALIA! I am so excited to be visiting Aus for the very first time in December/January.

I'm going to be travelling alone for the first time ever!! I usually travel with my family. It's reassuring to travel with my mom as she is an excellent organizer, I tend to just follow in awe. My mom is also a great flying companion, we hold hands for take-offs, landings and turbulence and not so silently whimper when the plane bumps, jolts or makes any form of a strange noise. It is rather daunting to travel alone as I have a severe moderate slight fear of flying, if you have not already realised... If I am honest it's mostly on the severe side of life.... But I will be fine (I hope). I will visit the pharmacy and get an extra large pack of Biral a week before I fly off and possibly have many glasses of the free alcohol during the flight! Jokes mom, ha. ha. ha. ha. (not joking).

But yes the total flying hours (32 hours and 45 minutes) will be worth it in the end! Pffffft of course I didn't work out the EXACT flying hours... That would be way too OCD and weird... Cough, cough. Well anyway, enough about the bloody flying it's making me sweaty!!

So the plan is that I fly (oh my gosh) from Durban to Jo'burg, Jo'burg to Sydney on Boxing Day. Upon arrival at Sydney (hopefully, if I survive the flight), I will meet my godparents.  My godparents and I will tour Sydney for 2 nights and then head off to their home in Canberra. I'll stay with them in Canberra for 3 nights and then leave for Adelaide! In Adelaide, I'm going to meet up with my best little sister (whom I have just adopted as my sis, unbeknownst to anyone else) and her family. I'm going to be with them for 2 weeks, we're going to tour a bit of Adelaide, their home in Roxby Downs and visit other family in Quorn. I'm so excited to explore Australia!

My sis and I when she was visiting South Africa

Yes I am White, no I am not racist.

This is a post I have been planning on writing for a while. I have hesitated because I don't want people to "hate" on me. It's about the country which I love, live in and never want to leave.

Being a white girl, and living in South Africa is not easy. I get labelled everyday as "rich b#tch" "racist" "ignorant" "foreigner", people may not say these words to my face but I can feel it in the looks  that I receive. It annoys and angers me to my core, because not one of those labels is truthful. The iPad that I take to campus, I paid for over half of it over 2 years, the other half was my birthday present. I am not racist, neither are my parents or my grandparents.

I am sick of being told that I do not belong here or that I must go "home". I was born here, my parents were born here, my grandparents were born here. Most of my ancestors came to South Africa in the 1820's. I have as much right to be here as every South African person living in this country right now. I am not to blame for what happened over 20 years ago. I wasn't even alive! I am ashamed of what happened, I am ashamed of all the white people that give other white people a bad reputation. I am not denying that colonialism happened in this country, I know that the colonialists abused and exploited the local population. I am ashamed that a white person came up with such a thing as Apartheid. I often wish that I wasn't white because so many white people did such horrific things. I do not feel any pride in my own race. I am actually jealous of people of other races, they have a culture. English white South Africans don't really have a culture of their own, we have bits and pieces of British culture, and some stolen bits from other South Africans, but nothing to call our own.

BUT, the fact remains that I am not the founder of Apartheid, I am not a colonialist, I did not oppress any race, I have never intentionally or unintentionally been racist, I have lived my entire life in this country,so why do I feel like I am not wanted?

To the people that say white people must go home, where do you expect me to go? I am home. I have ancestors from England and Ireland, but those countries don't want me. And even if they did, I can't get in as I don't qualify for an ancestral visa. Where can I go? What do you want me to do? What can I do to change peoples' perspectives?

I feel so lost right now. A part of me wants to leave. I am starting to feel scared in my own home. But this is where I am from, I feel such a loyalty to stay.