Yes I am White, no I am not racist.

This is a post I have been planning on writing for a while. I have hesitated because I don't want people to "hate" on me. It's about the country which I love, live in and never want to leave.

Being a white girl, and living in South Africa is not easy. I get labelled everyday as "rich b#tch" "racist" "ignorant" "foreigner", people may not say these words to my face but I can feel it in the looks  that I receive. It annoys and angers me to my core, because not one of those labels is truthful. The iPad that I take to campus, I paid for over half of it over 2 years, the other half was my birthday present. I am not racist, neither are my parents or my grandparents.

I am sick of being told that I do not belong here or that I must go "home". I was born here, my parents were born here, my grandparents were born here. Most of my ancestors came to South Africa in the 1820's. I have as much right to be here as every South African person living in this country right now. I am not to blame for what happened over 20 years ago. I wasn't even alive! I am ashamed of what happened, I am ashamed of all the white people that give other white people a bad reputation. I am not denying that colonialism happened in this country, I know that the colonialists abused and exploited the local population. I am ashamed that a white person came up with such a thing as Apartheid. I often wish that I wasn't white because so many white people did such horrific things. I do not feel any pride in my own race. I am actually jealous of people of other races, they have a culture. English white South Africans don't really have a culture of their own, we have bits and pieces of British culture, and some stolen bits from other South Africans, but nothing to call our own.

BUT, the fact remains that I am not the founder of Apartheid, I am not a colonialist, I did not oppress any race, I have never intentionally or unintentionally been racist, I have lived my entire life in this country,so why do I feel like I am not wanted?

To the people that say white people must go home, where do you expect me to go? I am home. I have ancestors from England and Ireland, but those countries don't want me. And even if they did, I can't get in as I don't qualify for an ancestral visa. Where can I go? What do you want me to do? What can I do to change peoples' perspectives?

I feel so lost right now. A part of me wants to leave. I am starting to feel scared in my own home. But this is where I am from, I feel such a loyalty to stay.