Moving on .

Moving on after a breakup is harder than I ever thought. I understood it was pretty bad, afterall there are songs about it; emotional pictures all over tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest and the Internet in general; there's even movies about breaking up. But I feel like that didn't prepare for what it is really like, if anything, it's made society desensitized about breakups. It's made people think like it isn't really a life-altering period of life.

You know, just go out and have a piss-up with your friends, cry for a week, get a new haircut, eat chocolate for a day and then exercise for a month and lose 5kgs  and you'll truly be okay! 

Yeah no, that isn't how it works. Well it doesn't work for me because:

1. I don't really drink much.

2. I'm not good at crying (unless you put me in front of the TV with Marley and Me or Hachiko playing- then the waterworks REALLY get going!).

3. If I cut my hair any shorter I will cry.

4. I'm eating chocolate, I'm still not all better.

5. No comment. I haven't been exercising. I guess I can't say that this won't work. Whoops 

Okay, let me be serious now, I understand that I can't be miserable forever- hell I really don't want to be! But I can't tell my heart to stop having feelings; I can't stop my head from remembering times together; and I honestly can't stop feeling upset about some of the sacrifices and effort that I put into what I thought was my future, but now has turned into nothing.

Apart from that, the past month has been the weirdest time of my life. Someone whom I thought was one of the most important people in my life faded into the background. For a while I teased myself into thinking he was now no one to me, but this past weekend that changed- I realized that even though I no longer feel the chemistry and feelings of love, I still worry about him, and if I still worry about him that means I'm not truly over him. My mom said something that I believe is true- I'm in the habit of loving him. I may not truly love him, but there is still a part of me that "pretends" to. 

I know that what I did was right, it wasn't good for either of us to still be together. However, I think that I have been trying to rush myself into being normal and stable after the breakup. I want to be fine, but I can't pretend like breaking up after four years wasn't a big deal in my life, it will affect me. 

Sorry that the post is rather long and depressing, and it also shifts around a bit. I did this for myself, just to get it all out so it's more of a random diary entry than a blogpost. 

Spa Day!

Okay so exams have started! This is me procrastinating studying for my exam next week...

To commiserate  celebrate the beginning of exams (trying to be positive here people), my bestie Chloë and I went to a spa for a full body massage, Indian head massage, foot massage and facial. And no we aren't loaded, my mom bought a Groupon for it!

Hair looking fleek after the oily head massage

It was so much fun! It was one of the few times that I have been to a spa without having eyebrows waxed off... I had only had one massage (back massage) before today. The full body massage was amazing. I nearly dosed off! I felt so relaxed and pampered by the time we left! My skin feels amazing! The facial made my skin feel refreshed and clean. It was a product by the skincare range Nimue. I hadn't actually heard of Nimue before, even though it is a South African product that seems to be internationally well known. I will say this, one day when I have money to burn, I will definitely have another Nimue facial! 

Fat -nearly- Friday

I'm getting to the age that I can no longer rely on my small appetite and fast metabolism.. It's very sad.

I was always one of those b-words that could eat anything I wanted and not have to worry about the effect on my body. I have weighed the same since I was about 16. It always made people sick because I didn't really do anything to maintain a decent shape.

Fear not for those of you that are going green with envy. That time has come to a rather abrupt end. Even my sweet and gentle mother has politely suggested that perhaps a run on the treadmill would not be such a bad thing. But I just can't do it, I hate running. 

I detest it. I would rather watch paint dry. FOR A WHOLE DAY. Running made me feel fat when I wasn't even fat! It makes my cheeks wobble. I literally feel as if my cheeks are growing, extending away from me as I watch them bouncing back and forth in my peripheral vision. Running makes me sweat, I don't like sweating. It makes me sticky and smelly (neither of which are AT ALL appealing). Running causes me to have the inability to sit down, stand up, crouch, walk up or down stairs (or walk anywhere for a matter of fact) for at least 3 days following the dreadful deed. I don't get that supposed endorphin release, the only feeling I get after a run is the need for chocolate (to cheer me up- chocolate DOES get my endorphins going) and the feeling of reassurance that I will never EVER in my life do that again. 

So for now I will lie in bed, with my back fat, growing rear-end and wobbly thighs and together we will plan to try and take a brisk stroll on the treadmill tomorrow. Maybe. Or perhaps we can rather savour some more chocolate together. The latter is more appealing for sure! 

Busy, busy!

I haven't posted in over a week! Life has been beyond busy for me at the moment. I've had tests, assignments, and then family over from overseas!

I am heading towards exams now, but after tomorrow life should settle down somewhat! I will definitely try to post again this week.

"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails." Elizabeth Edwards <3

My goals/bucket list

I was looking online for inspiration. I eventually decided to make a list of my goals/ things I want to do before I pop off. I thought it might be something fun to do, and look back at it later in life to see what I have achieved or how my goals have changed.

1. To be truly happy.

2. To be successful, not necessarily measuring it by my income or level of qualification, but in that I am happy with what I have (if it's a job, family or car), nourished and am stimulated by what I do.

3. To always live near of my parents, sister and niece

4. To be able to provide my parents in their retirement.

5. To visit the Rocky Mountains in Canada.

6. To see the Northern Lights

7. To make a difference in my profession, even just by helping those who really need it. I'd like to one day work in a Special Needs School.

8. To live somewhere where I am not worried about my family's safety.

Treading water

People keep asking how am I coping after the break-up or commenting that I seem to be handling it well. First of all I can't really explain how I am feeling, I have ups and a considerable amount of downs. And second of all, I have a busy life, I can't breakdown, I don't have time for self-pity. I seem to have a coping mechanism, I just ignore the sad feelings and bottle them up.

My coping mechanisms are going to catch up to me. I know it. I experienced it a little last night while I was out for dinner and cocktails with my friends from varsity. At one point someone asked my friend how long she and her boyfriend had been dating. I instantly got tears in my eyes as she answered 4 years. It was such a stupid thing to get teary over, but the problem is that I need to cry to get all that emotion out. But I just can't.

I don't know how to get my emotions and feelings out. When people ask me how I am I don't know how to answer. I mean it's pretty obvious that given the situation, I'm not great. It's pretty crappy for an almost 4 year relationship to be over. It's depressing that I gave my all to the relationship and I now have nothing to show for it. It's sad when you realise that you have been losing yourself in the process of trying to fix what was left of the relationship. I look back and I don't even recognise who I became. I feel like I was used for convenience. I was betrayed and I was made out to feel stupid to expect someone to spend time with me and show me affection. I was made out to be clingy and needy, I still don't actually know if I was. I feel so confused. I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel unworthy of love. 

So yes, I might look like I'm coping but I'm not. I'm treading water, trying to keep my feelings at bay. I go from near drowning to stable.