Moving on .

Moving on after a breakup is harder than I ever thought. I understood it was pretty bad, afterall there are songs about it; emotional pictures all over tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest and the Internet in general; there's even movies about breaking up. But I feel like that didn't prepare for what it is really like, if anything, it's made society desensitized about breakups. It's made people think like it isn't really a life-altering period of life.

You know, just go out and have a piss-up with your friends, cry for a week, get a new haircut, eat chocolate for a day and then exercise for a month and lose 5kgs  and you'll truly be okay! 

Yeah no, that isn't how it works. Well it doesn't work for me because:

1. I don't really drink much.

2. I'm not good at crying (unless you put me in front of the TV with Marley and Me or Hachiko playing- then the waterworks REALLY get going!).

3. If I cut my hair any shorter I will cry.

4. I'm eating chocolate, I'm still not all better.

5. No comment. I haven't been exercising. I guess I can't say that this won't work. Whoops 

Okay, let me be serious now, I understand that I can't be miserable forever- hell I really don't want to be! But I can't tell my heart to stop having feelings; I can't stop my head from remembering times together; and I honestly can't stop feeling upset about some of the sacrifices and effort that I put into what I thought was my future, but now has turned into nothing.

Apart from that, the past month has been the weirdest time of my life. Someone whom I thought was one of the most important people in my life faded into the background. For a while I teased myself into thinking he was now no one to me, but this past weekend that changed- I realized that even though I no longer feel the chemistry and feelings of love, I still worry about him, and if I still worry about him that means I'm not truly over him. My mom said something that I believe is true- I'm in the habit of loving him. I may not truly love him, but there is still a part of me that "pretends" to. 

I know that what I did was right, it wasn't good for either of us to still be together. However, I think that I have been trying to rush myself into being normal and stable after the breakup. I want to be fine, but I can't pretend like breaking up after four years wasn't a big deal in my life, it will affect me. 

Sorry that the post is rather long and depressing, and it also shifts around a bit. I did this for myself, just to get it all out so it's more of a random diary entry than a blogpost.