Treading water

People keep asking how am I coping after the break-up or commenting that I seem to be handling it well. First of all I can't really explain how I am feeling, I have ups and a considerable amount of downs. And second of all, I have a busy life, I can't breakdown, I don't have time for self-pity. I seem to have a coping mechanism, I just ignore the sad feelings and bottle them up.

My coping mechanisms are going to catch up to me. I know it. I experienced it a little last night while I was out for dinner and cocktails with my friends from varsity. At one point someone asked my friend how long she and her boyfriend had been dating. I instantly got tears in my eyes as she answered 4 years. It was such a stupid thing to get teary over, but the problem is that I need to cry to get all that emotion out. But I just can't.

I don't know how to get my emotions and feelings out. When people ask me how I am I don't know how to answer. I mean it's pretty obvious that given the situation, I'm not great. It's pretty crappy for an almost 4 year relationship to be over. It's depressing that I gave my all to the relationship and I now have nothing to show for it. It's sad when you realise that you have been losing yourself in the process of trying to fix what was left of the relationship. I look back and I don't even recognise who I became. I feel like I was used for convenience. I was betrayed and I was made out to feel stupid to expect someone to spend time with me and show me affection. I was made out to be clingy and needy, I still don't actually know if I was. I feel so confused. I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel unworthy of love. 

So yes, I might look like I'm coping but I'm not. I'm treading water, trying to keep my feelings at bay. I go from near drowning to stable.